Hurt

Today, she talked to me. Or should I say, I talked to her. I have to initiate the conversation if not she would never have talked to me. And she invited me to her birthday dinner tomorrow.

While I'm happy that she is making this step to rebuild our friendship, I can't help but be hurt that if I didn't approach her and find out what was wrong and tried to made amends, she would have totally not told me about the dinner and gone on without me.

It cut me deeply because when someone proclaims to be my best friend and then because of one problem intentionally not involved me in something so big, it makes me wonder if she even values this friendship. She invited people she just met but would have excluded me, her supposed best friend.

I don't know what to feel. I know I should be thankful that she finally is reaching out to me, but yet I am very deeply hurt by her actions. Everytime I think about it, I go on the verge of crying.

Another thing that makes me even sadder is that I've been sick and tired and been burdened with many problems to deal with, and yet my "best friend" doesn't seem to care or even ASK how I am doing. Instead, people I've just known for over a month seem to care more about me and are constantly asking if I'm ok and what they can do to help.

I'm so tired of being hurt and sometimes this is the reason why I don't like to open my heart and be vunerable to people. Because they can hurt you so deeply. Maybe I've chosen wrong for a best friend. Maybe she does not know how deeply she's hurt me. Maybe she doesn't even care.

Losing a Friend

I'm finding it tough balancing having to be "in charge" of this house and being a friend to the house people, especially my best friend. Lately, I've been feeling that she does not want to talk to me and is angry at me. So I asked her today if there was something up and she said there was. She said lately everything I've said to her has been instructional and telling her stuff. She didn't like that.

It shocked me but reflecting, I would say that she's right. I've been so caught up trying to deal with the issues of this house that I've not had a good friend conversation with her for a long time. It's so hard to be both a friend and a RA. Sometimes I hate being a RA because of that. I don't want to lose our good friendship yet I do have to sometimes tell her stuff...

I guess I have to learn to balance the two more. I'm going to have to work hard to rebuild this friendship because I don't want to lose it. I just pray and hope she is willing to work with me on this. She doesn't seem to want to do anything to make the situation better.

I'm feeling ever more lonely, stressed, tired and down. As I write this, tears are running down my face. I want to be home now, forget about all the troubles and worries and just be in the comforting presence of my family, especially my mom.

Journeying Back Home

Went to my friend's church this morning as part of my Religion Class assignment. After not going to church for a while, I realized what I've missed about church - Peace, Calm, Renewed...

I need church. I need the community... I need the peace in my heart... I need time with fellow believers in praising God.

This morning has made me realize how much I've been slipping... how much I've been letting my laziness and excuses carry me away from the peace and comfort of God's arms. It is time I journey on back home.

~~~~I'm weary and heavy-ladened. It's time I stop wandering and head back home into His loving arms.~~~~

A True Blessing

The process of getting to know someone deeper than the acquaintance level is very interesting and exciting. It is very time-consuming too but I love just sitting down with someone and spending time just talking about life and our views on things and having fun together. It is a very enriching and inspiring time for me.

I have never liked superficial friendships. To me, being a friend means understanding and knowing the core and foundation of that person. A true friendship is meaningful and helpful and inspiring and takes a lot of time and effort on both sides to develop.

I just had an amazing opportunity to reach into the mind and core of a new friend. After our house halloween party, a friend and I sat down for 2 hours and talked about anything and everything. We talked about personality quirks, the way we think, our view on church, baptism and a lot of other stuff. Time passed so fast and before we knew it, it was 2:40am. WOW! I truly enjoyed that time and always look for more opportunities to do that with people.

I'm glad that the Lord is bringing people like this friend who are willing to share their lives with me. It is truly a blessing.

Do It Anyway

So this poem has been floating on my compuer screen for the last week or so to remind and encourage me. I think it's time to share it with you all. Enjoy.

Do It Anyway
By Roy Lessin--

Others may not notice your efforts or give you recognition for something you've done. The credit may even go to someone else.
Do it anyway, as unto Me,
for I am pleased by your service and will honor your obedience.

There may be times when a job you've done will be rejected. Something you have prepared may be canceled or delayed.
Do it anyway, as unto Me,
for I see all things and will bless the work of your hands.

You may do your very best, and yet fail. You may sacrifice time and money to help someone and receive no word of thanks.
Do it anyway, as unto Me,
for I am your reward and will repay you.

There may be times when you go out of your way to include others and later have them ignore you. You may be loyal on your job, and yet someone else is promoted ahead of you.
Do it anyway, as unto Me,
for I will not fail you or make you be ashamed.

You may forgive others, only to have them hurt you again. You may reach out in kindness, only to have someone use you.
Do it anyway, as unto Me,
for I know your heart and will comfort you.

You may speak the truth but be considered wrong by others. You may do something with good intentions and be completely misunderstood.
Do it anyway, as unto Me,
for I understand and will not disappoint you.

There may be times when keeping your word means giving up something you want to do. There may be times when commitment means sacrificing personal pleasure.
Do it anyway, as unto Me,
for I am your Friend, and will bless you with My Presence.

The House Mom...

First off, before the moms who read this go, "You see what we go through everyday?", I'll admit that I highly admire and now understand how awesome you ladies are everyday. I'm about ready to kill my house residents over something that seems trivial... DISHES!

I've been nagging and nagging and reminding and encouraging and begging people to do the dishes so they don't just pile up. Some people do. Some people put it in the sink and say they'll do it later and some do come back, some never do. It starts to pile up. The record days the sink has been FULL of dirty dishes has been 5 days... FIVE DAYS!!!

I go around asking people individually if those are their dishes. Everyone says, "No. I ALWAYS do my dishes." Unless there's a ninth resident in the house I'm not aware of or there's a sink-filling ghost haunting our house, SOME PEOPLE AREN'T TELLING THE TRUTH!!!! Now, I've been giving them the benefit of the doubt and saying MAYBE they just forgot. But it's been happening too often to be just a forgetfulness thing.

I can't understand why it's so difficult to just spend 2 minutes washing and drying the dishes. It's not that hard!!!!! After 2 months of talking, it is not working. Thus I am resorting to more extreme measures to make them do their dishes, becoz honestly, I have SICK of doing people's dishes everyday.

I've sent an email out basically saying my displeasure with the current situation and that I am going to start taking pictures of the dirty dishes in the sink if they remain in the sink for more than a day. I'll email the photo to the residents and if the people responsible don't wash it within the day, I'll put up the lovely picture on the kitchen wall for EVERYONE to see how "HYGIENIC" and "CONSIDERATE" the girls are. If I find out whose dishes those are (with good evidence), I'll go talk to the girl.

Now, I know this sounds pretty bad and you must be thinking "It's only dishes, why so harsh?" Well, because it is my job as the resident assistant in the cottage to make sure everything is going smoothly and that the house is maintained and that the atmosphere of the house is happy and light. You'll be amazed at how dishes can ruin everything and make people snap at each other.

We'll see how this goes. If this still doesn't work, I'll ask everyone to take their own dishes and cooking stuff and put it back in their individual cupboards. Meaning, they are not to be shared anymore. Those who don't have stuff, have to get their own. This way, they feel the consequence of being inconsiderate and irresponsible.

I'm trying my best to be patient and hold my temper. I'm doing pretty ok so far, but I don't think I can nice anymore if they test my patience too much. Pray for me k? Thanks.

School Update

So, here's a few new stuff that I've gotten myself into this year:

1. Alpha Phi Omega
A Service Fraternity, focuses on community service. Definitely not a Greek one... you KNOW I won't join those! :P

2. Student/Faculty Judicial Board
The Judicial Board for Hope College. This is going to be interesting...

That's 2 of my many activities. Should be fun!!!

Singaporean Lah

My dad sent this to me recently and it CRACKED ME UP!!! It's Hossan Leong, a famous Singaporean comedian, singing about being Singaporean.

Hossan Leong's Song

WARNING though: it does contain a lot of Singlish so you might have a tough time fully understanding it if you don't know Singlish. But just hearing Singlish in its essence will be a cultural experience!

ENJOY!

Memories

Time for some interactive blogging!

Leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember! Leave a comment on here. Next, re-post this in your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty cool (and funny) to see the responses. Repost as "memories."

Come on, you know you wanna post!

Annoying Crushness

Crushes... the lovely feeling that makes me wanna kill myself. They make me act funny and wierd and I hate that. I AM getting better at not acting differently than usual... BUT I still act funny... and people eventually learn to tell when I'm in the presence of someone I have a crush on, and that's VERY annoying.

So, the story goes a bit like this, I've been getting to know a few guys friends. They are totally cool and fun and natural and easy-going. As I got to know them better, one jumped out a bit more. I thought, "Oh, its ok. It's just my head playing tricks on me because of the loneliness issue." So I dismissed it and went back to normal life. Ok, after yesterday where everyone was dressed up so nice and sharp and handsome, the "crushness" hit me hard... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Someone help me!!!

I guess I'll have to wait it out and let it go away. It usually does... This is annoying.

PS: In other important news, two of my top three all time favourite blogs are going to be MIA for the next week... Oh what will I do? I'm addicted to their blogs!! NOOOOOOO!!

Homecoming Dance

OUCHIIEEEE, my feet hurt!!! And my muscles are aching! Dancing is sure hard work... but totally FUN!!!!!

Most of my house and our "honorary" house members went to the Homecoming Dance together. It was very nice to see the guys all dressed up and looking spiffy. The girls were so cute and BEAUTIFUL!!!

We jumped right in and started dancing! Most of us stink at it, but who cares!!! It was for the fun!!!! I also had my first slow dance with a friend!! Kinda wierd being so close to a guy but it was an experience! :)

Here are the pictures from my eventful night! :)

Edit: Added Picture! Don't the guys look nice in their suits?

Networking Really Works

As you probably know by now, I'm a Senior in College and am starting to panic about having to go to work... And thus, I wanted to buff up my resume and also possibly get a job around here by doing a Spring internship with an international company based around here, interning in marketing or event management.

So, there was this networking session for Hope alumni (Homecoming Weekend) that was organized tonight and so I went thinking MAYBE i can get some connections and build some possible options, or just hear from experienced people in my line.

Guess what happened!!!

Not only did I get to hear from people's experience, I met someone from Alticor who said that Alticor is always looking for young fresh blood who are willing to work and have great ideas. He gave me his contact and ASKED me to send him my resume!!! He's going to see if he can get an internship for me there! WOHOOOOOOO!!

I am SOOOO EXCITED!! I am hoping this will work out!! Please pray for me, that I'll handle this well and maybe get this internship. If I don't get it, pls pray that I'll learn to be ok with it too and trust God with my internship. THANKS! :)

6 Steps of Blogging Ties

You know the "law" of 6 steps to... where you can connect two random things in the world with just 6 steps? Well, How about the 6 steps of blogging ties... U see, I've been reading a few blogs diligently and one day I decided it'll be fun to go click on their links for more blogs... One blog led to another and I ended back.... with my TEACHER!! I think she's my secondary school teacher... or maybe my primary school... my memory is all mushed together right now.

And the funny thing is, I didn't REALIZE that it was my teacher's blog. I just randomly left a comment on her blog coz i thought it cool that I ended up with a Singaporean's blog after all the American's. Than, she made the connection and left a comment for me!!!

Anyway, here's my cool journey:

1. My Thoughts... My Say (my blog)
2. That's my story and I'm sticking to it...
3. It Could Happen To You
4. Rocks in My Dryer
5. Everyday Mommy
6. Twinkle Twinkle Little Tar (my teacher's blog)

See!! WAY COOOLLLLLLLL!!! It's amazing the little things that God does for me that brightens up my day and just marvel in His creativity and ingenuity. Who would have guessed that a tiny seemingly insignificant fact like that can cheer me up so much??!!!

Even better, my wonderful teacher even posted on her blog a reply for my post to encourage me in my loneliness struggle now. Thank you SOOOO MUCH!!!!

Don't Find Him, He'll Find You

I found this on someone's Facebook Notes and it really hit me and made me stop and think. Its perfect timing because of the loneliness I've been feeling and wanting that "special someone". Always thinking, "Is he the ONE?" is making me tired and preventing me from building good, strong friendships. I hope this will help you too, just as it helped me realize that what I've been doing isn't right and good. The Lord has a plan and we just to wait patiently while growing in the Lord... easier said than done.

So read on:

Don't Find Him, He'll Find You
A.J. Kiesling
Author & Contributing Writer


A few years ago someone said the words I most needed to hear as a single woman. Ironically, it was another single woman who uttered these words – a bit of wisdom gleaned from her mother, I suspect. If I could tell her now, I would let my friend know how much her simple reply comforted my heart, and how many times it has anchored me when I despaired of ever finding “the one.” They are words I want you to hear too.

Having just passed the time of year that privately makes every “searching single” wince – Valentine’s Day – it was a relief when the words from this long-ago conversation floated back to me, as relevant as the day they were spoken.



My friend Heather had pulled me aside after our church’s midweek worship band rehearsal that night. The sparkle in her dark brown eyes reflected the joy of a newfound love in her own life – a relationship that indeed turned out to be “the one” two years later.

“So how’s everything going with Joe?” she asked, eager to hear the latest developments of my on-again off-again relationship with a guy from church. I almost felt guilty when my disappointing answer stole the smile from her face. Things were definitely not so good, I told her, and it looked like Joe and I were headed for a dead end.

Before I could stop myself I lapsed into that despairing mode all searching singles are familiar with. I call it the “Why Has God Forgotten Me?” syndrome (you might also call it a pity party). When everyone around you seems to be coupled off or at long last meeting the man or woman of their dreams, you soldier on alone. You purchase your meals-for-one at the grocery store and wonder: Has God forgotten my address?

Sighing, I told Heather, “It’s okay. I know God has someone special out there for me. I just wish I could find him.”

My friend looked at me intently and shook her head. “No, Angie, he’ll find you.” My puzzled look must have told her the words needed repeating: “The right man will find you.”

The words sank into my spirit as Heather continued. “Remember? The Bible says he who finds a wife finds a good thing…it’s the man’s job to find you. You just have to wait.” She rambled on in this vein for a few minutes, but all my mind could register was an overwhelming sense of relief. The pressure was off; the search was over.

If you’re a single guy reading these words right now, you may be thinking, "Great! So shove the burden onto our shoulders!" But believe me when I say this arrangement is not the female gender’s idea – everything within us seems bent on trying to make things happen. We work ourselves into a frenzy trying to go here, be there, attend all the right functions, search online, and discreetly ask our friends for blind-date setups. But I have a hunch this is not what God intended for our single-woman status to look like. In allowing men to be the hunters – the ones who do the searching and finding — He must have a perfect design up His sleeve.

Even though my friend’s words comforted me the night I first heard them, the passage of time has a wearing-down effect. Sometimes the rest and peace inherent in those words get lost in the worry that time is running out. I find myself in search mode again, wondering of every passable guy I meet, “Could he be the one?”

In her classic book "Passion and Purity," Elisabeth Eliot talks about this rather unpopular notion of waiting – of being a single woman not intent on finding Mr. Right but allowing God to bring him to you. The Bible is replete with examples of this pattern: When the time was right, God “brought” Eve to Adam; Abraham’s servant went out and found a wife for Isaac; Jacob, traveling to a distant land, found the girl of his dreams in Rachel. But note this: All of them were going about the business of doing the work God had for them to do.

A few months ago I read a passage in a book that brought Heather’s words back to me. In the (true) story, a father asks his young teenage daughter if she ever worries about who she will marry and whether she is even interested in boys.

The daughter laughs and says, “Oh, Daddy, you and I both know God has a special guy out there for me, and when the time comes He’ll bring him along.”

Once again, those words of quiet assurance stopped me in my tracks. "Lord, give me faith like that young girl," I thought.

We have no divine guarantee that a longing for something ensures ultimate satisfaction, but at least now I know (and keep reminding myself) that as a single woman, if God does have one special man waiting for me, it’s not my job to find him. He’ll find me.

A. J. Kiesling is the author of "Jaded: Hope for Believers Who Have Given Up on Church But Not on God" (Baker). She welcomes your thoughts and comments. Feel free to write her at jaded0351@yahoo.com. For more information about "Jaded," visit her online pressroom.
Copyright 2005 by A.J. Kiesling
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