Reality

Time to be realistic. I can't buy a new laptop. Right now, with my finances, I worry I can even feed myself after graduation. Reality is sinking in...

As I worry, I have to force myself to pray. To trust that God will provide, that He will meet my needs. Another lesson in trust and obedience.

Financial Independence Stinks

Did a rough budget for the 2 months I won't be working after graduation while waiting for my work permit to be approved. Money is so tight right now. I'm gotten so spoilt having my parents' money to use. I'm finally realizing that:

1. I'm not getting anymore money from them. (Plus, I feel bad asking for more since I'm graduating and supposed to be paying them back soon.)

2. My income stinks right now. And all of it is going into paying for gas and bills.

3. I've never been so controlled with my money before.

Being totally independent financially stinks!! Plus, it sure didn't help that last semester when I WAS earning tons of income, I spent it all. Darn me and my spendthriftness. I could have so much more savings now if I just saved!!! Now I'm trying to go through all my accounts and subscriptions seeing what I can cancel and get some money back in. Oh the joys of adulthood... sigh...

Words of Wisdom From C.S Lewis

"Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again. ... This process trains us in habits of the soul which are more important stll. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God.

We learn that, on the one hand, we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other hand, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven."

~ Mere Christianity

New House Member

We found a new house mate living with us. His name is Charleston, he's really tiny, does not require a bed and has wings.

He's the little brown bat!! We knew we had a few bats living in our attic because we could hear them through the walls. Apparently little Charleston decided to come down to join in the fun!

We let him hang above the living room door for a day and tonight we finally managed to catch him, put him in a shoe box, seal the shoe box and put him in the fridge. Yes, the fridge. A biology professor told us to do that. Tomorrow, one of the girls will bring him to her field biology professor who will hibernate him and keep him comfy and safe during the winter. Come Spring, he'll be released and since bats have excellent honing senses, he'll probably be back. YIPPIEE!!

Isn't he adorable!

Today

Today, I saw myself for what I really am - Sinful, Worthless, Helpless and Hurtful.
Today, I saw the reason why Christ died for me, why I need Him.
Today, I know I'm just a useless and worthless soul fighting against God for who knows what reason.

I'm done trying to act and appear strong. It's not working. It's time I let God take over and if that means dropping all my pretenses of being strong and instead be the weak person I am, then that's what I'm going to do.

Just a Closer Walk With Thee

I am weak, but Thou art strong;
Jesus, keep me from all wrong;
I’ll be satisfied as long
As I walk, let me walk close to Thee.

Just a closer walk with Thee,
Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,
Daily walking close to Thee,
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.

Through this world of toil and snares,
If I falter, Lord, who cares?
Who with me my burden shares?
None but Thee, dear Lord, none but Thee.

Just a closer walk with Thee,
Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,
Daily walking close to Thee,
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.

When my feeble life is o’er,
Time for me will be no more;
Guide me gently, safely o’er
To Thy kingdom shore, to Thy shore.

Just a closer walk with Thee,
Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,
Daily walking close to Thee,
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.

Low

It seems God is teaching me several things and I'm feeling really pathetic. He's showing me how much more I have to change and improve, showing me how low and evil I am now.

God, it hurts. I'm useless, I'm pathetic, I'm evil. And it hurts. I've hurt my friends, myself and most of you all. I'm so sorry. Help me please. Help me change and learn and have the courage to humble myself and beg for forgiveness. Please help me.

2007 is here. I'm back at School.

It's 7:21am and I'm wide awake. Something is wrong with this. Oh yes, jet lag. the wonders of it.

I'm back at school. Got back yesterday afternoon. The temperature is a sudden change from home, and I'm freezing. The buildings and multiple Asian faces are gone. Replaced are the American faces and vast spaces of empty land.

I'm doing ok. I miss my family and the comforts of home, but I'm also excited for this new semester. I'll be taking only 6 credits of classes and doing an internship with the Women's Resource Center in Grand Rapids, doing Marketing and Development. I'm looking forward to the challenges I will meet but am also scared because this is a different side of society I will be facing everyday. But good to have a bit of fear, so I won't be overconfident and stupid. It'll be an eye opening experience with ups and downs I'm sure, but I am confident that the Lord will be right there beside me, giving me the strength and wisdom I will need.

2 of my house mates are back. The rest will come today. I can't wait to see them and my other friends. 2007 has begun and I'm going to make sure it'll be a year where I grow deeper in the Lord and learn to give up my entire life to Him (definitely not going to happen in one year... its a long process.)