I'm tired of life. I'm tired of going through the "routine", living my life just waiting for school to start. I'm just tired. Sometimes, I wish I had the power to freeze everything and step out for a moment and take a break from life. You know, its very tiring living, especially living a life that refuses to let God in. I know I made a conscience decision to break away, just to see what it would be like without Him. And I guess I am seeing things now. Life without meaning plains STINKS. What am I living for day to day? What's the purpose of waking up every morning?
But my stubborn soul refuses to cave in, refuses to turn in. Sometimes, I feel like I'm floating outside my body. Like I'm seeing my life go by. I'm in a weird position. Part of me has given up on ever truly experiencing a life with Christ in it, the part that is lazy, sinful and selfish. Then there's the other part that is urging me to turn my life back into His hands, the part that yearns to know the true meaning of being His child.
Two conflicting parts. Who will win? Who will I allow to win? It's still too early to find out. I'm just living each day and going with the flow. Doing nothing stop or start anything meaningful. Funny ah?
Sometimes I wonder how I can be so cool and cynical about this. This concerns my soul!! Shouldn't I get worked up and make a decision?! I guess, after living 19 years pretending to be the holy and god-minded person, I have plain given up. It has been extremely tiring and draining keeping up the lie and I'm sick of trying.
We'll see what happens...
1 comment:
Why you try, my child? why you try?
It is who died for our sins? Jesus Who rose again for our justifications? Jesus. Who saved us from struggles and troubles in our lives? Jesus. Who lifted us up from botomless pit? Jesus.
Think about it, He is all in all, He came down, He gave us the true name of God-Father, He was scouraged, spat on, wore a crown of torn that pierced thru His head, endured the cross and seperation with His Father, to grant us a right to call His Father, my Father.
It is all about Him.
He is the Alpha and Omega.
We can never TRY to be a good behavior Christian.
We only need to KNOW not by mind(our minds), not by power(our power), but by the Spirit of God.
Just know and ponder upon this truth, and ask the Lord, why You died for me?
He will reveal.
Because He loves you. He is not distant away, my child. He is in you, and waiting upon one day you say, Lord, I have tried, but now i give up. Lord, You reign, You rule!
His,
Ann
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