Went out today for dinner with some of my church Young Adults. 17 of us. I was a fun time I guess, but most of us were exhausted from the full day at church. I also realised something. All the time not spent building up and continuing the friendship with them has made a mark. There's nothing much to talk about between us. Most of them barely know me and they have told me that before. They have told me that I am very hard to get to know personally as I don't open up to them.
I admit that. I find it very hard to open up my inner most feelings and thoughts. It takes a lot of hard work on the person's part, a trust that takes long to build and a sense of being comfortable. I also hate opening up because it makes me vulnerable. Vulnerable to betrayal, vulnerable to attacks and also makes me accountable. I know being accountable is neccessary to help keep me clear before God... But I hate it! I hate having someone giving me that 'look', that 'eye' that says "You shouldn't be doing that." I hate having to explain my actions, and analyse everything I do.
It's all a matter of control. I am a control freak. I want and need to know where I'm headed to, what I'm doing, and control each situation. It's a gift and yet a curse. Its great to be such a person when managing things.... but it's horrible when you have to give control over to God and trust and follow obediently, even though I will have no way of knowing where He's taking me. That's my BIG issue with God. That and giving up some indulgence in my life.
Funny how a simple outing can make me think all these...
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